Up close and personal - why we are not yet back to our regular postings
This has not been an easy getting back to normal week. As I mentioned before, whenever we return from our hols, there seems to be something or other in store for us, some problem or worry, issues that have to be dealt with, stuff that will provide many sleepless nights and fretting as we strive for a solution and hope for better days. Right now, it has been cockroaches.
Yep, I am sad to say this - and somewhat ashamed of admitting to it! - but on the day we got back we found our home infested by huge cockroaches. I have a phobia with them, to the point I cannot move, I cannot think, all I can do is go into some sort of crouch and cry hysterically. They seep the life out of me. I haven't slept fitfully in days, I haven't eaten properly, I cannot go about my normal life and get things done. Husband is back to work and I am scared shitless of being home alone with a seven year old kid only. I am scared shitless of leaving the house for even a second and returning to find it filled up with monsters. I don't move. I sit and scan the floor, the walls. I shiver and shake. I cry a lot.
I was told by a specialist that this type of roach has nothing to do with hygiene - I was flabbergasted at having my house infested, as we cleaned up before we left for our hols, like we always do! - but with the sewers. Probably the council needs to do some disinfestation of said sewers. They're huge, you cannot imagine the size of these things. I've been told that to get rid of them I must have a professional disinfestation done in my house and then ask the council to do the same to the sewers in my residence area. If I ask the council to act before I have had my home checked, cleaned up and protected, they will just invade my home to escape the poisonous sewers. It costs a lot of money to have this done, and seeing that the school year is about to begin, and the kid needs books and pencils and all sorts of pricey school material, I don't know how we are going to manage this. We simply do not have the money. And yet, we simply cannot go on like this as I am about to crack and have some sort of mental breakdown.
It's very tiresome that every year we have to be greeted by financial problems as soon as we come back from our vacation. Some moments - those darker, more desperate moments - I feel like someone has cursed me. Like I am never going to have peace and security, financial security, at least. Oh, I am grateful that my problems are only this small, and we have not been affected by anything serious, like health issues. Only, these are serious problems, even if it looks like I am being shallow and ungrateful and petty. Financial issues may lead into health issues, did you know? We just had our health insurance cancelled, and while we were on the market for a new one - I was not happy with the one we had, had been thinking about letting that one go and opt for another for a while - and this happens. Won't be able to get a new one anytime soon, not when I must spend all the money I can muster on having the roach issue professionally dealt with. Because it is ruining my life, it is stopping me from living. And yes, it makes me even more ungrateful, even more pessimistic than I usually am. How can one be optimistic when there is not one second of peace in one's life? How can I be optimistic when nothing good seems to happen in my life, only not so bad things? Yes, I know, I must focus on the "It's not so bad that everything goes awry in your life and you never get a good break, at least nothing really bad happened, no one died." I must focus on this. I seem to be unable to, the ungrateful bitch that I am.
The only reason I could muster up the courage to write this post is because I really needed to vent. I needed to talk about it, other than with my poor husband who does not suffer from my phobia and is out of the house most of the day. I wanted to post a recipe, and I could not bring myself to do it. I can't bring myself to do anyhing, I just cannot find any pleasure in stuff that used to be what got me going. I feel tired and hopeless, I feel like giving up, just letting my arms down and give up on the whole thing. Let the roaches eat me, you know? Let it all go to shambles. Disappear. Run away. Where on earth are we gonna get the money to have this solved? But we need to have this put an end to, if I am going to be able to function. It has been hell, and every end of August seems to be hell. Again, I don't want to sound delusional, but I am in no mental condition of not being delusional, it feels like some sort of curse has been put on us. And it won't go away, it will only escalate. Maybe I should forego the disinfestation guys and get some sort of cleansing work done on my life, huh?