The Edible Christmas - Rules, Sarcasm and a spiced Fig and Caramelised Onion Chutney to sweeten your mouths


One of my strongest pet peeves is writing rules. Namely, blog posts dishing out writing rules that one must simply abide to, because if not, then well, you're not much of a writer, are you? Blog posts telling you constantly that you are only serious about your work if you do follow those sets of rules - and who the hell makes them, anyway? - or abide by the dogmas and laws expressed in those blog posts. I get annoyed at those posts. I get irritated. I get furious. But I always read them, because let's face it, I'm a masochist and love to put myself through all the emotional turmoil of feelings of inadequacy. Which is in fact, what I do feel, when I read those posts. Very rarely do I agree with them, so I always come away thinking I'm useless and will never amount to anything. That's when I don't come away wondering who on earth are those people, and why do they think they're so much better than others they can sit there and write all these judgemental posts about other writers' working methods, techniques, and talent?


I'm usually more aggravated by those posts shouting out at you right at the title about what something is - usually something concerning writing methods - and why you're doing it wrong. It could be anything from developing your characters to writing believable dialogue, to world building. They immediately state that you're doing it wrong. It doesn't matter who you are, or how you view the world and your work, you're doing it wrong. Because they know best. It makes me want to enter the screen of my laptop and smack them about for being rude. Which I don't, of course, but sometimes I really want to. Because I always feel like these people, who write these very (un)helpful blog posts, they don't really want other authors to succeed. No, they want to shed doubt in the minds of others who may actually be happy with what they produce - authors are very fragile beings, with huge brittle egos that need constant stroking or else they whither away - in order to weaken the competition. Because when you start doubting yourself, your work starts getting worse and worse and worse.


I think writers are very hard on themselves, but harder even on others. They put so much pressure on themselves, and even more on others. For me, writing is an art. As such, there should be no rules, merely guidelines. Even when it comes to grammar and synthax, where rules abound, how many - now - famous authors have bent them down, broken them? Hell, some even won Literature Nobel prizes for it. So why this need to force rules onto everyone? Why the need for having every single author writing the same way, under the same guidelines, following the same 'trends' - for some aren't even rules or guidelines, they're fucking trends! Why do human beings have such a necessity to box everything up in tight, neat, safe little packages, and whenever something falls out of that box, that package, well you're doing it all wrong, aren't you? and because of that we won't play with you any longer. Meaning, your work sucks, you're not a proper writer because you don't follow our rules. I say to hell with all the rules. Let us live dangerously, and courageously take a chance on something different from the norm. Who knows, we may even end up giving it a standing ovation...


Like this fig chutney. When I cooked it, I think I must have broken a few rules. I read like a dozen recipes of fig jam and fig chutnye, before I gave up and marched myself off to the kitchen to do my own version. All I can say is, this was a huge success. And it disappeared in a heartbeat. Even if it didn't go by the rule...
  • 1 large onion, thinly sliced
  • ten medium to small frozen figs, chopped roughly
  • 1 garlic clove, crushed
  • 1 sliced chilli
  • 1 tsp dark brown sugar + 2 tsp dark brown sugar
  • olive oil
  • balsamic vinegar
  • worcesterhsire sauce
  • pinch of salt
  • pinch of ground cumin and ground nutmeg
Start by gently frying the onion on the olive oil, until it starts getting translucid. Add the garlic and the chilli, let it stir fry a few seconds. Lower the heat and add 1 teaspoon sugar, let it sizzle and caramelize. Throw in a dash of balsamic vinegar, allow to cook until it's all syrupy. Now add the figs and stir. When the mix begins to simmer, add the rest of the sugar, the salt, and the worcesteshire sauce. Allow to come to a boil. Let it cook in a low heat, stirring frequently, until the figs are tender and the mixture has thickened. Check the seasonings, add more salt if needed, transfer to sterilysed jars and allow to cool before refrigerating or storing in a dry, cool pantry. You can eat this with roast meats, with mashed potatoes - yes, really, and it is sooo good! - spread on a slice of bread, or toast, with soft paste cheese, or hard cheese, it's really versatile. And makes for a lovely Christmas gift too, seeing 'tis the season, right?