La rentrée, lifechanging decisions and sesame seed cookies


And so it is we come to the end of the holidays, the return, la rentrée. September is here, school's about to start, a new cycle feels imminent. I've always loved Septembers. Life has thrown a hell of a lot of shit at me - at us - on this month, year after year, and it still has not killed the magical hold it has in me. It's a month for new beginnings, that come in line with what we have tried to do all year long but perhaps failed, or did not get right. It's a month for closing doors that no longer serve us and open new ones. It's a month for setting out with a new spring to our step, perhaps letting go of what we once believed was right for us but that August, with it's leniency and ease of time, has helped show us isn't really what we want or need. This is a month for fresh starts, yes, but also for closures. At least for me, it has always been this way. As if I go through the entire year just trying to get by and cramming in everything I absolutely can just so I can get a sense of fitting in, of living up to expectactions. And then August comes and I slow down and I pause and take stock. Boy, do I take stock during that month. I seem to have so much time in my hand - which isn't really true - that I tend to ponder a lot, analyse, search my soul and my inner instincts for the answer. My sort of meditation, you know. Lying on the beach, sunlight kissing my scantily clad body, and brain working, working full time, but drowsing at the same time. As if I'm in some sort of trance. And this August was really very good where it came to it. Very good in making me see 'the light'.


I reached the end of that month with one certainty only: that I will not be allowing permanence in my life anything that pulls me down. I won't be bullied anymore into doing what I don't really want. I won't welcome in my life people who don't care shit for me. I won't allow the people who always talk me down and terrify me with their abuse to talk down to me anymore. I won't be pulled into their dramas, their need for belligerance, their attempts at making me lose my head and lash back, their need to break me. And I won't continue to fall over myself trying to get people to accept me. All my life, I've felt like the little match girl, standing outside in the snow, cold and alone, looking in on other's people's lives but never being allowed to be part of it. I've always felt tolerated inside the groups I gravitated to, but never really wanted there. If I'm useful, when I'm useful, I'll be allowed in and treated well enough, even praised, sometimes. But normally, I'm just the punching bag, the one that's so easy to lash out against and hurt, demean. No more. I won't allow others to demean me anymore and make me feel awkward, constantly wrong, appologetical for even breathing. I won't let others taint my self-esteem and happiness anymore. Their hatred of me - for whatever reason! - their dislike, their sometimes envy (of what I don't know) and belief I don't deserve the life I lead, the blessings I have, all this I must keep out of my life, and on the occasions this is impossible, I must not let it weaken me, on the contrary: it shall empower me. But this must not be the only change. I came home decided to be more organised, so I did something I never had before. Got out a daily planner and wrote down everything I intend to get done until the end of the year. Dates where I start working on certain things, dates when those must be finished, tasks I need to sort and get done - newsletters don't write themselves, sadly! - goals and whatever I mean to accomplish until December 31st. As I finished and went back through the planner, seeing all I had yet to tackle, I can't deny I was instantly overwhelmed and tired. But a minute later, I was excited, energised, rearing to go, wanting to do it all. We'll see how that goes.


One of the first things on my list is, of course, the start of the school year, and for that, I always like to have jars of cookies to send as afternoon snack for my son. These are packed full with sesame seeds and they are the crunchiest treat ever! Here's how to get them done:
  • 350 gr flour
  • 250 gr cold butter
  • 175 gr dark muscovado sugar
  • 50 ml milk
  • 1 egg
  • 6 tbsp black sesame seeds
  • 1 tsp sesame oil
  • 1 tsp baking powder
Mix the baking powder and flour together. Pour over a clean, cold surface and make a circular hole in the middle. Add the sugar, butter, milk, sesame oil and egg. Combine the ingredients into a dough. Add the seeds and knead very softly, to bring it all together. Wrap in cling film and refrigerate for half an hour. After that time, bring the dough out and roll it over a floured surface. Cut into the shapes you prefer. Transfer the cut cookies into a baking tray lined with baking parchement and bake in the oven for about 12 minutes at 170º. If you find the dough is really ahrd to work for being too soft, try placing it in the freezer instead of the refrigerator, and always keep the dough you're not currently working with refrigerated so it doesn't get soft. Enjoy!