Taking stock of the year behind - Christmas-y croissants for your Holidays

And here we are, the end of another year just around the corner, and what a year this one has been. Not my best, nor my worst, but there were moments when it sure felt like hell, when I felt like giving everything up was the only possible way I could try and get some peace. It felt like there was a war raging inside me, a battle so powerful I could only come out of it changed. Singed, battered, but changed. Which in the end, I believe I did. Now, change is necessary, but isn't always easy, nor is it easily accepted. Sometimes where we are is good, warm, comfortable, and we don't want to get out of there, we don't welcome change. But other times there's a need for it so strong and powerful you just know if you don't embrace it, you are never going to be fully well, fully complete, fully yourself. This kind of happened to me, I didn't seek out change, I wasn't working for it, but I was forced to embrace it. I needed it to happen, for my sake. For the sake of my own mind.

Career wise, this was a particularly good year. It may look like I got nothing out of it, or didn't quite accomplish much, but that isn't true. I wrote an entire trilogy and a novella. Deeply edited, re-wrote, re-checked, re-read and edited again two books, which I then formatted, did the covers and published. One of these two books I am particularly proud of, actually, and believe I've done some of my best writing in it. I also took plunges I never thought I would, or actually, did, but was terribly terrified of taking those steps. Constantly thinking I wasn't good enough and would never manage to understand how to do those things, or how to get them done well. But I did dive into the unknown and slid off my comfort zone, and of course, it went well. I'm proud of myself for having tackled those things, although they didn't earn me any benefits, so far. Still, this is a bit of a marathon, not a sprint, and I'm confident I will eventually see how these steps have really benefited me and my journey.

I also took on a few side projects, which have been a lot of work. And I do mean A LOT OF WORK! But they've made me feel revived, excited, wide-eyed in wonder at the possibilities that may come out of it, and I sorely needed to feel this way. I sorely needed to infuse myself with hope and belief, with pride and the sense of a job well done. So maybe I heaped even more on my plate - which was already full! - and maybe I keep biting more than I can chew and not taking enough time off to rest, but the truth is, these projects have gotten me feeling really excited for the future and their outcome, so what's a little more work on my already full load? As long as I organise myself, my days and my weeks, stuff gets done. And I go to sleep with a sense of fulfilment, more than content. So there again, professionaly wise, I had a very good year.

Sure, I would have liked more sales on my books, and more reviews as well. I'd love to have readers rave about my work, about the characters, I'd like nothing better than people talking about those stories and those characters as if they meant something to them. I'd love nothing more than really getting those sale numbers sky high, of course, I do dream - and work for it - of at least contributing for my family revenue with the fruits of my labour. Because it's a labour of love, and it comes from the heart, from the belief that what I put out there is good, and does good. I like to think my books entertain, yes, but also mean something, go way deeper, and maybe they can even help readers. So, yes, I would have liked more sales. But I had a few, and for that I'm ecstatic. Overjoyed, actually. In a business that is so, so crowded, getting a couple of sales for me is a massive win. And I do mean massive. It was really a very good year, where my job is concerned.

Was it good in personal terms? I was put through hell, internally, this year. I started out with a serious crisis of self-worth, with no self-esteem at all, doubting every single decision and whether I was on the right path or just wasting my time. I felt alone, abandoned, unloved, unwanted by society in general. By the end of the first trimester, I was ready to give up, never publish again, pull off all my books. Because I wasn't good enough for this, for the business. Because I couldn't afford - financially speaking - to be good enough. But then something snapped inside me, and a few books found their way to my hands and my mindset changed. Because what I believed my books lacked (professional editing and proofreading, professional formatting, professional book covers made) these had. But while some had stunning covers, the author hadn't even bothered re-reading and self-editing their work. Or the cover was lovely, the formatting pristine, the editing professional, but the writing lacked soul, felt like it was done by a robot. And this changed my whole frame of mind. I gained a sense of worth I hadn't found, because I was looking for it in the approval, the acceptance of others. The more I tried to be part of their posse, their clique, their group, the more I felt an outsider, and therefore, lacking in worth. Then I asked myself why did I need these people's approval? Why did I need them to like me, or my work? Why did I need them to welcome me into their tight-knit, extremely closed off community, to feel loved, to feel liked, to feel good about myself? When all I ever got was down? This was really the turning point for me, because I realised I didn't need it. I needed my approval, my acceptance, my realisation that I do work VERY hard at making my books the best I can, and that is all that matters. This was really a game changer. I may travel this journey alone, but now I travel it with a little more self-love and esteem, a little more understanding of my own value, and it doesn't depend on others. It was a year in hell, for me personally, where it comes to my own mind and my private self, but it was a year of learning, of growing, and I am stoked for what's coming. It's been a year of immense gratitude for all that I've been through, all that I have learnt, all the people who crossed paths with me, those who stayed and those who left, I thank you all. 

I wish you all a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year, as this will be the last post on this blog, for the time being. The journey continues, and I will certainly come back here with new recipes and delicious food, but for now, I'm doing something I haven't in the past five years, I'm taking a break. I leave you with these chocolate filled croissants that are to die for, and so very Christmas-y, what with their spices and the wonderful scent they leave in the kitchen... Here's how you can get them:

• 150 ml milk
• 2 tsp turmeric
• 3 to 4 strands of saffron
• 1 small pinch of ground ginger, ground cinnamon, ground nutmeg or all spice
• 1 small pinch of mandarin zest
• 1 cup strong bread flour
• 1/2 cup of rye flour
• 1/2 tsp salt
• 2 tbsp light muscovado sugar
• 100 gr dark chocolate chopped roughly into small pieces
• knob of butter
• eggwash (facultative)

Start by heating up the milk on a pan, with the turmeric and the saffron. Bring it to a simmer, add the rest of the spices and the mandarin zest, then turn off the heat and take the pan from the stove. Allow to infuse until the milk is lukewarm. Pour into a measuring jug and add water until you have a total of 175 ml. On your stand up mixer bowl, place the flours, the salt and sugar, and on the opposite side the yeast broken into crumbs. Add half the milk and water and using the hook implement, mix it up, on the lowest speed. Add the rest of the milk slowly and increase the speed. Mix until the dough has gained consitency and then keep mixing for five minutes. Cover with a kitchen towel and let the dough proof for two hours on a warm, dark place. I usually pop it in the oven and let it sit there in the dark. Once it has doubled the size, pour onto a floured surface and gently knead the dough so you take out the excess air in it. Roll into a large rectangle with a floured rolling pin and melt your butter in the microwave oven. Also, turn on your oven at 180º. Brush the butter over the dough and scatter the chopped pieces of chocolate over it, making sure you leave at least a centimetre on the edges. Fold the upper half of the dough onto the lower one and press down. With a dough cutter cut triangles and roll them into crescents. Brush them with the eggwash and place them in an oven tray that's covered in parchement paper. Bake for about twenty minutes, until they look golden and fluffy and done. These will be a welcome addition to your Christmas table, trust me, and they also make for a sweet little stocking filler!

                         HAPPY HOLIDAYS, EVERYONE!