Self imposed isolation and the toils of life - chocolate and carob cupcakes for added pleasure
Oh wow, it's been a while, hasn't it? Over a month since I last published here, but I'm of a mind not to force myself to do things I don't have the headspace for just for the sake of doing them. And I sure did not have the headspace for blogging these past weeks. I had very little headspace for anything at all, with stuff going on in my personal life that left me unwilling and unable to do much more than go about what was strictly necessary. And the strictly necessary was providing my family with a sense of normalcy and going about the home life trying to disturb their needs as little as I could. Trying to see to my personal needs too, and these called for complete distancing from a number of things - including people, blogging, writing, socialising. I think I went into isolation before I was called to do it.
See, February was rather complicated, and then March took off in the same wavelength. At first, I had a hard time dealing with everything, and found myself dispirited, disappointed, hurt by events and attitudes that were completely out of my control. At a certain point, we were all pretty sick, which made everything even worse. Cough, fevers, utter exhaustion, trouble breathing and the worst muscular pain we have ever experienced. Does it sound familiar? Yeah, we had it way before the first cases of COVID-19 were made public in Portugal. Those were some intense weeks, with trouble after trouble and worry after worry piling up on top of it. I reached a point where I simply didn't care anymore, and just needed to be left alone, in silence, with my dearest ones, so I could recharge and heal myself. I also found out - again! - who I could and could not count on. Once again, the universe made it a point of showing me just how on my own I really am, and the moment I needed a kind word, a caring ear the most, I found there was none. It was eye-opening and humbling.
It's always humbling to realise people don't even notice if you're kind of missing. If you're not there anymore. It puts so much into perspective I found myself under an entire shift in my inner workings due to it. I found myself turning a page I never knew I was to turn. And realising a lot of what was going on inside me was actually for the best. A lot of the disappointment or hurt caused by others' actions was in fact, for the best, where I was concerned. I was suddenly infused with a new spirit and a mindset that had the little hindrances and all that at first sight looked like rocks in my way turning into actual opportunities and strokes of luck. Some necessary changes took place, some necessary cuts were made, some most needed purges had to happen, and they all did. In that time, I managed to go through a huge change inside me, another one. It's a bit depleting and I always wonder where am I gonna end, but somethings that had looked so challenging and difficult, so unfair and hurtful, now feel like they were necessary if only to open my eyes.
And then the self isolation and social distancing came into being. Schools closed, some people started working from home. Streets got emptier, stores got shut, the State of Emergency took place. Now, a week later, my son is being home-schooled, something that doesn't really happen in Portugal. My husband, a teacher, is teaching online classes everyday. Their lives have drastically changed. Mine hasn't. Another in my face moment, to realise that the only real changes that occurred in my life were that now I have them permanently at home and I no longer had to go for one hour school runs twice a day. There goes my daily walking! Nothing else changed for me, as I work from home and I have been socially distancing myself from most people for the past ten years. It wasn't an easy transaction having them home full time in one aspect only - I'm far busier now than I've ever been! But I managed to get on with my work, and now, almost four months into the year, I've written a stand alone novel and am on the final chapters of the first book in a duology. Have also managed to make some progress on my editing of book 2 in the Heir of Avalon Trilogy.
With no big changes in my life, I am actually not very worried but for the economical aspect of all this. I'm trying to keep a positive mindset that this will soon be over and won't much damage the economy, and nothing really bad will come from this, but ten years ago we were undergoing an economical crisis that stripped us of all we had. It's hard not to worry when I've seen first hand how employers tend to lean into the excuse of a crisis to strip workers of their rights - including salaries. It's hard not to worry when I've gone through the experience of us being both employed and not being paid, while our expenses piled up and the bills piled up and we couldn't even make ends meet. It's hard, but not impossible. I keep telling myself it'll all be fine, it won't be the same, we will be all right, but the moment I saw the sales results for February and realised how my books had dropped significantly, my blood did run a little cold. Not that I make a lot from my books, but I did do something, and for the past five, six months, I'd been getting a little, regular income from my writing. I tell myself it'll pick up and we'll be all right, and honestly, there's not much more I can do but believe that. Believe that and keep writing, keep working, keep baking us some treats to sweeten our mouths and our moods, right?
Like these chocolate and carob cakes. Intense, but not too much, they were soft and more-ish, small enough so that I indulged in a couple without feeling too guilty. Here's how to bake them:
- 150 gr butter at room temperature
- 100 gr flour
- 50 gr carob flour
- 100 gr dark muscovado sugar
- 3 tsp baking powder
- 2 tbsp dark cocoa powder - unsweetened
- 3 large eggs
- 1/2 cup of chocolate chips
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