2020, The Year from Hell? - A reminiscence and a Quiche

 

Wow, what a year this has been. I don't even know where to start, it's been the strangest, weirdest, mind-blowing year I've ever lived through. Looking from the outside, at first sight, all that comes to mind is how bloody awful this year has been. How dreadful, how terrible, how scary, how terrifying, how depressing. But was it, really?

Where it comes to me personally, I'm not so sure. Yes, there were some really bad moments through it all, wealth-wise, there were some really big worries draining me of my joie de vivre, there was a lot piled up on my shoulders - and as usual, far too much was demanded of me. Being the fool that I am, I felt obligated to deliver.

But where 2019 was the year I found myself lost and bereft of hope, 2020 was the year that opened my mind. It was the year that upped my game. The year that made me myself, perhaps. It's been far from a year from hell, in personal terms. It has been a year of tremendous growth, of personal achievements, of being daring and taking risks without even caring for other people and the results I may get from there. It's been a year where I stepped closer to being unnapologetically myself.

It was probably THE most productive year in my life - although I only published two books. This pandemic not only gave me the time to really sit down and write, but with everything going on, I found myself just so inspired, so in need of hiding away in my own little imaginary worlds, so focused on keeping the crazy at bay, I ended up writing far more than I had thought I would.

Ten whole books. That's how much I wrote this year. None are ready for publication, of course, they're all at different stages of drafting and editing and re-writing, but I am oddly proud that I penned down ten different stories. Some belong together - there's a duology, there's two novels belonging in the same universe - but most are stand alones.

And it wasn't just the quantity that got me doing a happy dance, it's the quality. Of course there'll be moments of terrible self-doubt as I work (eventually) through these novels and prepare them for the world, but I honestly believe there's so much improvement in my writing. The thematics haven't much changed, true, but I've allowed myself to go darker, to touch all the taboos in a manner some might find shocking or even disgusting, I've allowed myself to really waltz with darkness, without holding back.

And I've allowed myself the freedom to produce what my mind demands, with no restraints.

It was also the year I allowed myself the freedom to drop things - I abandoned quite a few projects. Some I hope to get back to, others, not so much. These are mostly relationships, to be honest.

I started the year writing Alchemy of Chaos with an intention of publishing it for Halloween - it didn't work out that way, but hey, that's 2020 for you! - and found myself needing to address other voices, other characters, dive deeper into certain issues, try new and different things. I felt an immense need to not restrain myself with this book, and just let the madness seep into it all - insert wicked laughter here, please. It's dark, and probably darker than the Blood Trilogy Series (though Marcus and Cai for me are pretty dark too!) and it's also a little twisted and very much aimed at an adult audience who likes a bit of mystery and Dark Academia, a genre I had wanted to try for years. But I never felt I would be able to pull it off, until I went for it. We all have our timing, 2020 was my year for playing around with all I'd been too much of a coward to try before.

But the need for taking a step out of my usual did not stop there. I blame a few books for setting me off in writing so much of what I penned down this year, and it all started with Nora Skavic's All For The Game trilogy. I found myself swooning for the characters - Andrew Myniard, anyone? - and their stories, their passion, their hurts and aches and struggles. And found myself hooked on a genre I hadn't yet tried reading - let alone tried writing! 

BL became a bit of an escapism for me, when the outside world was driving me crazy, and from there to reading Chinese danmei cultivation novels, was a very short step. Even shorter was the step to start writing in this genre. All of a sudden, my mind was full of stories of boys falling head over heels for other boys, and I wanted to tell them all. All of a sudden, my head was also full of dark, twisted circumstances happening in these tales, and one of those novels I penned down far surpasses much of the triggering issues I've tried to address so many times before. That one is dark indeed, it is kind of a descent into hell. Dealing with themes I often go back to, I've not refrained from putting it all out there. There's violence in those pages, and if a few years ago I'd be terrified of how readers would accept it, this time I didn't even consider that.

From there onwards, it was all a 'downwards' spiral of trying to play with certain thematics, especially where relationships are concerned. Toxicity, consent, loyalty, fidelity, abuse, these all play large roles in my stories, this year, in ways I did not refrain from, like I would have in the past. I may or may not publish these tales - only time will tell - but writing them has been so liberating, so enriching, it has brought me so much growth and self-knowledge, it has made my writing so much better.

And although this was the year I wrote and wrote and wrote, I only published two books and boy, did that take a toll on me! The endless editing, the formatting, the nagging little issues that seemed to take forever to sort, I swear this is what kills my motivation, in the end. Writing is a breeze, for me, all the rest is excruciating (although I found myself actually enjoying editing the novel I plan to publish next year, to celebrate both Lunar New Year and Valentine's Day). 

I published the second volume on the Heir of Avalon trilogy (a must for all the Arthurian retell fans!), A Darkening Fate, still during Summer, and it far exceeded my expectations, where it comes to sales as did Alchemy of Chaos, which I published last month. Not so much with the reviews, but that's life for you. Another thing I had to do this year was burn a few bridges, for the sake of my mental stability, and that took a toll on certain things. But being that annoyingly hopeful person I am, I'm still sure my books will find their audiences, the readers who will love those tales and nerd about them.

After all, I've been taking a few chances and getting out of my comfort zone, and I believe this can only bring me good things in the end!

2020 also brought a few other changes. My newsletter - which hardly anyone of my subscribers even reads - has gone from monthly to whenever I have something to announce (there will be one, this month). This food and books blog has taken an immense nose dive, but I just wasn't in the mood, the only thing I've wanted to do this whole year was write stories - I couldn't be bothered with promoting and marketing effectively, I couldn't be bothered with photographing, cooking, styling, working on anything that wasn't putting those stories down, silencing the voices of those characters in my head. I always try to listen to my instincts, and if they told me I needed to write, then I needed to write and do nothing else. 

But it's been a year for pondering and doing a lot of soul searching, thinking about where I am in this career of sorts I like to claim I have. The publishing world is cut throat, believe me. The self publishing world is even more so, trust me. It demands your soul, your blood, your sweat, your everything, and more often than not, you get nothing in return. If 2019 had me asking if this was what I was meant to be doing - writing and publishing - 2020 assured me maybe I needed to try something different, where it came to publishing. It set me out to search for other forms of sharing my writings and making money from it - make no mistakes, this IS my livelihood, and yes, I want to get money for it, and no one is ever going to shame me for that again. I want to write because I love writing, but I want to earn a living from sharing that writing, and this isn't wrong.

I first considered going back to Wattpad, but put it aside immediately. Once was enough for me, don't think it's the kind of platform where I fit in. So I started looking into Patreon, as I knew a couple of people who started one, and were quite satisfied with it. Taking a leap of faith, I opened my own. This is a place where I intend to share more about my writing process, where patrons get access to deleted scenes, chapters from unpublished work, character studies, book covers and blurbs way before the rest of the public, and from January onwards - there will be an online novel with bi-weekly instalments! So if this is something you might enjoy, head on over to my Patreon site and join in on all the fun!

One thing that hasn't changed is my love for certain comfort foods, like quiche, and my favourite still is spinach, tomato and mushroom quiche, with some Flemish cheese on top to make it all more interesting. Here's the recipe:

Start with the pastry:

• 100 gr strong bread flour
• 80 gr spelt flour
• 100 gr unsalted butter
• 5 - 15 ml cold water
• pinch of salt
• scant teaspon of herbes de Provence, dried

To make the dough you simply pour the butter and the flour onto a food processor and blitz until it becomes a crumbly, sandy mix. Now pour it onto a lightly floured surface, add the pinch of salt and the herbes de Provence and start adding water until it all starts binding together, with the help of a knife. Roll into a ball and cover in parchment paper or cling film, refrigerate for at least half an hour. Then you just need to roll it and carefully spread it over your pie dish. As for the filling you'll be needing:

• 3 eggs
• 1 pack of cream
• 1 pastry sheet
• half a dozen fresh tomatoes, sliced thinly
• 250 gr spinach
• 150 gr mushrooms
• olive oil
• a few slices of Flemish cheese, to your liking
• salt, pepper, nutmeg, powdered garlic, white wine

Start by turning on your oven at 180º. Place a frying pan over a medium heat with a good glug of olive oil in and let it heat up. Add a dash of powdered garlick and let it infuse the oil just slightly. Now toss the mushrooms in and cook them over low heat. Season with salt, pepper and a drizzle of white wine to freshen up. Once they look done, but not overly cooked, take them off the heat and allow to cool. Spread the pastry over your oven dish and with a fork pinch through the bottom of the dough to allow it to release steam when it's cooking. On a bowl beat the eggs with the cream, mixing thouroughly. Season well, with salt, pepper and nutmeg. Now toss the mushrooms, spinach and tomatoes onto the pastry, add the Flemish cheese. Pour over the egg and cream, and bake in the oven for about 30 minutes or until it's cooked through and golden. Remove and allow to cool before serving. 

I hope this year hasn't been too hard on you, and that you've gained something through it - there have been quite a few blessings coming my way, so I can't help feeling rather grateful for this whole crazy year. Wishing you all a MERRY MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR!

May the next one be special!